The Struggles of Initiation

September 13, 2010 § Leave a comment


I’m writing this through the pangs of a budding migraine – because I have to, because I know if I don’t post something now, even if it’s not substantial, I’ll give up on it.

I have trouble with keeping things up. But I’ve been in the spirit of rekindling old commitments today (I had my first drum lesson in well over a month, made some serious progress) I thought I’d put something up. I had told myself my next post would be on Crowley, but I’m not ready for that yet. The man is a legend and deserves a thorough study before I claim to understand him.

What I wanted to write about tonight is initiation – not only that, but what draws us into the occult, what a calling feels like. I started a book yesterday called “Hands On Chaos Magick” by Andrieh Vitimus, a chaos magician and voudon priest. In the opening pages, he states:

“If you are facing a real initiation, it is my sincere hope that the book will help you in some small way. By “real initiation,” I distinctly mean the kind of magical initiation that cannot take place within a magical order, but more so where you alone must face yourself and a host of realizations that probably drastically alter the course of your life. Sometimes these initiations are not by conscious choice…”

I heavily sympathize with what he says here. More than a few times since I became interested in the occult (but especially recently) I’ve asked myself if I could live without this. If I could drop the whole thing, live and think like “normal” people, and live with myself. I can’t. I definitely can’t. It would be easier, though, of course it would. It would be simple to just go to school, do my work, take care of things at home and carry on as any girl my age would.

Can’t do it, though. I’ve found this whole other world, this whole other version of reality, of perception, a whole different way of living and I can’t drop that. It’s more work, naturally – I’ve done more reading and researching on the occult this semester than I have on any of my schoolwork, and probably ever will. I find new things every day, new theories, new ideas – and nothing energizes me more than putting the puzzle together.

I’m tired. It gets overwhelming, and I think especially so with the amount of information the internet provides. I can download an entire library of grimoires in an afternoon whereas not even a few decades ago I’d have to hunt then down at occult bookstores across the country, and probably never find half of them. I’m constantly finding something new to read, and sometimes that will cause me to totally shift my perception – which is where the ouroboros comes in. I’m always eating my own tail, I’m perpetually reinventing myself and my beliefs. It’s electric because it’s like a flash of lightning – so bright and illuminating and powerful, but only available for a split second. It’s a constant chase.

I’m waxing poetic and babbling, so I’m going to stop. Just wanted to put down how I felt, this way it’s here for me to read when I feel this way again and wonder how I got through it.

Ipsa scientia potestas est,

E.R.S.

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