April 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
It’s been many months since I’ve posted here, many months since I’ve ever looked at this blog at all. Despite that, I’ve left the bookmark in my toolbar – a large, capitalized beacon yelling “BLOG” at me, daily, as if I had left it there to nag me, hoping if I stared at it long enough I’d get back on a regular writing track. Obviously it hasn’t worked, but I still couldn’t bring myself to delete it, knowing that if I did then there really was no chance and that if I ever wrote about the occult again it would probably be in a different medium.
Why did I jump off the wagon? To be honest, I can’t say for sure. At first (and my previous posts will confirm this) my excuse was that I was looking for a better medium. I wasn’t getting as many views or comments as I thought I could have, and wondered if maybe a podcast or video channel would be a better outlet. I figured if I didn’t read any blogs, why should I expect anyone to read mine?
I’ve decided that viewership isn’t the point. The reason I want to have a blog at all is because I keep claiming I’m a writer but I never write. I want the practice, I want to get better. I want writing to be a skill I can keep in pocket so that hopefully, when I’m older and wiser, I can write a full account of what I’ve learned on this fascinating and ever-changing spiritual path.
Thelema is a philosophy that appears to want to stick with me. After I took first degree, I went full on into the routine for a while. That’s something I tend to do with anything – I’ll jump full on into whatever practice or philosophy I like at the time, then the commitment exhausts me and I drop it entirely. And that did happen for a while. I started off with a banishing and meditation every morning, saying Resh four times a day and keeping a regular magickal journal. Then, at some point in December, I got sidetracked. As soon as I realized I wasn’t seeing any adverse affects from dropping the “routine” I stopped trying. I dropped nearly everything for months, and didn’t visit the lodge.
I switched my focus to psychology, and for a while that suited me. I worked on applying to grad school and brushing up on the recent literature, and I focused solely on that and my job. For a while, it felt like enough.
What exactly pulled me back in I’m not sure. Probably a variety of things – conversations with friends, occult references in movies, small synchronicities popping up where I wasn’t expecting them. I realized I missed it. I missed the magical consciousness. I missed feeling plugged in to the greater plan of the Universe. I missed feeling like I was contributing to a bigger, more beautiful picture.
So here I am. I’m easing back in – trying not to push myself this time to be perfect. I feel like in a magickal practice there’s so many things you can do that you feel like you have to do it all. I’m not going to make myself do it all this time, not at first – but I do want to keep the blog running, so I can keep those who are interested up to date on how I’m fairing.
I was thinking of doing a series of notes on the A.’.A.’. reading list, which I may tackle soon. It’s a publicly posted list (at least the first one is) so I don’t think there’s any obstacles to me doing that, and if there’s enough interest I think it’d make for a good read.
Please leave comments and suggestions for future entries!